I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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