She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
