Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm like, not good at living.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
