Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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