I accidentally had phone sex last night
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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