HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
