can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Im part way to drunk.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
