so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
