I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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