and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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