Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
