I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
