Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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