a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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