i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
