my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
