I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
