After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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