Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
