She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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