true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
