someone threw a dead crab at me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
zippers are such a cool invention
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
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