I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
