I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
