i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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