im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
