she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
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