Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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