3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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