so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
