She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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