Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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