Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
