it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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