I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
