He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
