Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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