Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
