i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she smelled like a LAN party
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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