Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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