my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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