I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
