Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
