Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
