Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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