I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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