I didn't shave. On purpose
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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