Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
