when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
