i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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