Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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