I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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