Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
