I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
