I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
