My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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