In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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