im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
