Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
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