I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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