Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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