Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
