I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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